Getting it Together (Kind of)

I suppose I should open this post with the fact that one of my favorite shows right now is "Girls" on HBO. I feel like I should share this up front since I'm probably going to reference it a lot on this blog; it's definitely one of my "guiltier" pleasures (because, well, if you've ever seen the show, you probably know why), but many of the themes on this show really resonate with me because I haven't really figured everything out yet.

Anyways, during the pilot of the series, Hannah Horvath (played by the amazing Lena Dunham-- seriously, she's definitely one of my celebrity crushes right now), tells her parents that she's "actually almost getting it kind of together". Despite the fact that this is a quote from a (ridiculously amazing and well written-- sorry, gushing again) comedy, this statement basically sums up where I am in life: I'm actually almost getting it (kind of) together, and this fact both thrills and terrifies me.

As Meg prepares to begin her first year of college, I'm emotionally steadying myself to start my last, and, while I'm beyond excited to be back in Tulsa with my friends and to enjoy my last year in what has become my second home, the idea of exactly what this year holds fills me with trepidation. I've spent this summer planning and prepping for my future: taking the MCAT, applying to medical schools, looking at grad school programs, and imagining life outside of the University of Tulsa. All my time in school has been preparing me for this moment: all the studying, exams, and stress have merely paved this long road that is now my future. While I'm definitely excited about what the future holds and all the possibilities, the idea of where this road ends, what career, program, or path I end up choosing, occupies my thoughts 90% of the time. I'm used to having a fairly good idea of exactly where and what I'll be doing each day (agendas and to-do lists have become my favorite accessories), so this new uncertainty is a complete surprise.

Let me put it this way: sometimes, I embrace my future with open arms, taking joy in all the possibilities that now extend before me and look forward to taking the journey and discovering where it takes me. Most of the time, however, I feel like a 21-year-old woman child staring into the massive abyss that is her future while a group of strangers who have decided she's somehow "ready" prep themselves to push her in. 

Like this, but about 500 times more terrifying

I guess you could say that, in spite of all my preparations, I don't feel nearly ready enough to be making such major life decisions. In my weakest moments this summer, I can definitely say that I've let these worries and insecurities take up the most of my thoughts, thoughts that should be centered around enjoying my last year in Tulsa with some of the people I have grown to care about the most in this world. I have such an amazing little life and I'm in awe of all the things I've learned so far and truly (in my non-anxious heart of hearts) cannot wait to see what my future has in store. While I feel some (a lot) of anxiety, I know that these feelings are just part of growing up, part of the process of me kind of getting it together. I have a feeling that everyone is in the process of trying to get it together, too, and that'll I'll be in some stage of this process my entire life. I figure if I'm not feeling this way, I'm not growing the way that I should. 

In the meantime, I'll continue filling out applications, study hard, and resume my deep breathing. While my future is definitely on the horizon, it's still a little ways away. All that's left to do now is just try my best not to worry, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride. I have a feeling that this year is going to be an exciting one.

Because this blogpost needed another (relevant)"Girls" quote

Still working on it,

Raye